So since moving into my new cottage two weeks ago it has rained pretty much non stop, which eventually led to a big chunk of ceiling falling into my lounge, so I have a bucket and an annoying drip to deal with, but this is not what I am worried about, no, I can handle holes in the ceiling, what I can't handle is parktown prawns popping in for a cup of tea every night.
I have removed 6 of them in the last week, whilst most have been fairly smaller ones, last night I was dealing with a guy who was closer to the 10cm mark and playing hopscotch in my lounge.
Now after reading horror stories about these creatures and living with my mother for most of my life I realise I am pretty calm when having to deal with them. My mother sounds like a drunk ambulance when she comes across a parktown prawn, her breathing goes out of whack and she has a mild panic attack . There have been many occasions when the prawn has trapped her out the house and just sat at the front door waiting for an invitation like a maltese poodle waiting for a lap to jump on.
The one time, however, I was forced into the prawn-removing task, why? because a few nights before I had a moment of bravery as the cat played with one on the pillow next to me and I somehow managed to get it outside underneath a bin, but then just left the bin on top of it because I couldn't handle it anymore. My biggest mistake was telling my mom about this because now she thinks I have a future in prawn pest control. Anyway I hear a blood curdling scream for my help and I run down stairs to find my mother and brother balancing themselves on a toilet seat whilst clutching eachothers eyeballs as if there was a way they could somehow un-see the creature in front them.
I got my trusty bin and hopped on my moms bed for some extra height protection and prepared myself to quickly put the bin over it, as I was about to do this my mother let out a yelp so loud that it ruined my prawn-zen and I threw the bin on it like a wild child which caused the bin to break and the prawn to jump up to my eye level, there was a slow motion moment when the prawn and I looked at eachother in complete disgust and just like that he was back on the floor and scurrying under the bed. That was me done, no more thanks, good luck sleeping mother. We never found him ever again.
Just to clear myself from guilt while we are on the subject, I feel I need to own up to something...one night I was about to go to bed when I saw a prawn scurrying across the lounge floor, so I picked up my brothers cricket bat and whacked it flat underneath, but I didnt bother to pick it up or look underneath, I just left it, my heart had taken enough stress. Sorry mom, I never found out who ended up dealing with that, perhaps the prawn casually lifted it off him as I ran away and played a round of cricket with his friends before making his way back to the garden. Buggers.
The difference between having a phobia and generally disliking things is easy to distinguish. For instance when I see a spider I get chills all over my body and feel like throwing up, the very thought of it makes my skin crawl, but when I see a parktown prawn its a very different feeling, yes I'm freaked out and yes they can jump, but it takes me about a minute to reach for a container, whack it over them, find a magazine, slip it under the container, and take the prawn for a nice stroll down the road to the neighbours drain, throwing my arms away from me with such force it sends the prawn flying through the air towards his new drainy home. Done. Dusted.
But a small spider appears on my wall and I am cry-shouting at someone to help me get to safety, I stand about 10 meters away making sure not to lose sight of it in case it decides to do the horror of all horrors....disappear.
Can I just live in the sky please?